By now, we've all seen the "Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon" post plastered everywhere on USENET. (For those who have been on the moon and haven't seen it, one Clarence L. Thomas took it upon himself to post an apocolyptic prophesy to several hundred newsgroups.) Many netters, with tongue firmly inserted in cheek, made jokes around the post with hysterical results. I've collected about two dozen of their responses -- each with its own "local color," depending on which newsgroup the response came from. Some of the jokes are fairly esoteric but you're sure to find something funny in here somewhere! The posts are from comp.lang.c, comp.lang.c++, comp.lang.pascal, comp.lang.forth, comp.sys.next.advocacy, comp.sys.amiga.advocacy, comp.os.os2.advocacy, comp.sys.mac.advocacy, comp.unix.advocacy, rec.sport.baseball, rec.sport.fencing, rec.sport.golf, rec.sport.hockey, rec.sport.rowing, rec.sport.soccer, rec.sport.table-tennis, rec.arts.tv, rec.arts.startrek, rec.photo, rec.games.diplomacy, rec.arts.sf.movies, and alt.tv.mst3k. All of what you see below are actual posts, although a couple of them have been edited for brevity. Jeremy Elson jelson@cs.jhu.edu ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- PROGRAMMERS' RESPONSES TO "JESUS IS COMING SOON" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: alanm@gateway.efi.com (Alan Morgan) Newsgroup: comp.lang.c In article <2hf92p$p3b@orion.cc.andrews.edu> clarence@orion.cc.andrews.edu (Clarence L. Thomas IV) writes: >The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the seemingly >unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating fires in Australia, >the flood in the Midwest of the United States of America, the devastating >fires >near Los Angeles, California, the rapid and appalling increase in violence in >cities, towns, villages all over the world, the famines, the diseases, the >rapid >decline of the family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) >are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. The human race >has trampled on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17 (King James >Version Bible), and Jesus is coming to set things right. These rapidly >accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is coming soon (Matthew 24). Which compiler are you using? >God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the earth >and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's power. All >those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing eternal life. Have you tried compiling with -Wsatan? That should warn you about all demonstrations of Satan's power in your code. There is a software product Divinity (tm) which will find Satanic leaks in your code. I highly recommend this product. It costs only $666. >If you want to know what's about to happen, please study the books of Daniel >and Revelation which are located in God's Word, the Bible. They are not >sealed or closed books. They can and must be understood by all. Every word >in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation is true. The Bible and the Bible only >must be your guide. Oh yeah? Where in the Bible does it say that i = i++ is a bad idea? Huh? HUH? Does it talk about Quicksort? DOES IT? Where does it discuss the evils of goto and unstructred code? When you get a bus error don't come crying to me buddy! >When God's Law (the Constitution for the Universe) is consistently ignored, >disregarded, changed, and questioned, He permits certain events to occur to >wake us up. I would urge all, wherever you are and regardless of the >circumstances, to directly call on Jesus and ask Him to intervene in your >life. >Jesus who created this planet and every living creature in it and on it, died >on the cross, was raised from the dead by God the Father, and is now in Heaven >interceding for you. Jesus is the only One who can rescue us from the slavery, >misery, and death Satan is causing us. For those of you who have to think in computer terms: Satan -> Microsoft Jesus -> The FSF God -> A committee of Richard Stallman, Donald Knuth, Brian Kernighan, and Dennis Ritchie Old Testament -> K&R Classic New Testament -> K&R ANSI Penance -> Installing emacs In the other direction.... gcc -> becoming a Christian gcc -Wall -> becoming a Christian *and* a Moslem (just to be sure) gcc -Wall -Wprototypes -> ... and a Jew. You can't be too careful. gdb -> Reading the bible sdb -> Reading it in Hebrew adb -> Reading it in Klingon >For reference I'm including God's Constitution as given in the King James >Version Bible. Please note that when God says the seventh day, he means >Sabbath (the 7th day of the week) not Sunday (1st day of the week). How about I just not hack on weekends at all? Is that cool? >Commandment #1: Exodus 20:1-3 (KJV) And God > spake all these words, saying, I am > the LORD thy God, which have brought > thee out of the land of Egypt, out > of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have > no other gods before me. K&R #1 Thou shalt have no C Bible before me. >Commandment #2: Exodus 20:4-6 (KJV) Thou shalt not make > unto thee any graven image, or any > likeness of any thing that is in heaven > above, or that is in the earth beneath, > or that is in the water under the earth. > And shewing mercy unto thousands of them > that love me, and keep my commandments. K&R #2 Thou shalt not use Pascal, it being only a pale shadow of C. >Commandment #3: Exodus 20:7 (KJV) Thou shalt not take > the name of the LORD thy God in vain; > for the LORD will not hold him > guiltless that taketh his name in vain. K&R #3 Thou shalt always prototype your functions or else the C compiler will exact vengence. >Commandment #4: Exodus 20:8-11 (KJV) Remember the sabbath > day, to keep it holy. K&R #4 Only hack on Sundays^H^H^H^H^H^H^HSaturdays if you *really* want to. >Commandment #5: Exodus 20:12 (KJV) Honour thy father and thy > mother: that thy days may be long upon the > land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. K&R #5 Hold pre-ansi C in high esteem as it was the parent of True C. Honor C++ while you are at it. You can hate COBOL if you like. >Commandment #6: Exodus 20:13 (KJV) Thou shalt not kill. K&R #6 Don't dereference NULL. >Commandment #7: Exodus 20:14 (KJV) Thou shalt not commit > adultery. K&R #7 We really, really mean it about dereferencing NULL. >Commandment #8: Exodus 20:15 (KJV) Thou shalt not steal. K&R #8 If you are going to use Borland C++ at least buy it so we don't have to put up with 300 moronic questions from loser piraters that could be answered by 30 seconds perusal of the manual. >Commandment #9: Exodus 20:16 (KJV) Thou shalt not bear > false witness against thy neighbour. K&R #9 Except Microsoft >Commandment #10: Exodus 20:17 (KJV) Thou shalt not covet > thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not > covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his > manservant, nor his maidservant, nor > his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that > is thy neighbour's. K&R #10 Just because Pascal has a cool feature that you like, don't expect it to be in C. If you like Pascal so much, USE IT. Oh yeah, don't dereference NULL. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: oauld@ponder.csci.unt.edu (Orion Auld) Newsgroup: comp.lang.c++ (Re: Jesus is coming soon post on comp.lang.c++) >What does this have to do with c++? It's obvious. Jesus will give us a NEW programming language. It will make C++ obsolete. It will be called...Logos. Does anyone have a featurelist? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: lou.duchez@pcohio.com (Lou Duchez) Newsgroup: comp.lang.pascal >The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the seemingly >unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating fires in Australia, >the flood in the Midwest of the United States of America, the devastating >fires >near Los Angeles, California, the rapid and appalling increase in violence in >cities, towns, villages all over the world, the famines, the diseases, the >rapid >decline of the family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) >are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. Nope, it's a bug in COSMOS.C. God passed too few parameters in one of his function calls, and now the universe is crashing. We could have avoided all this had he done COSMOS.PAS instead. Oh well. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: jax@Cygnus.COM (Jack Woehr) Newsgroup: comp.lang.forth toma@wu.labs.tek.com (Tom Almy) writes: >I can only guess that this was posted here because the word "forth" appears >over 900 times in the Bible (KJV), more than all other programming languages >combined! Yes, Tom, most people don't know it, but when Jesus asked Lazarus to "come Forth", he was actually inviting him to attend ACM SigForth at the 1994 ACM Symposium on Applied Computing (SAC '94) March 6-8, 1994, Phoenix Civic Plaza, Phoenix, Arizona. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ADVOCACY GROUPS IN RESPONSE TO "JESUS IS COMING SOON" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Mark Crispin Newsgroup: comp.sys.next.advocacy Now we know why NeXT has had so much trouble. It must be the work of Satan! Do you realize what you must do to share a file on a NeXT? You must give it the protection code 666, the Number Of The Beast! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mdoerner@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Nuke'd) Newsgroup: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy [Referring to the poster:] I really HATE MS-DOS users! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: hash@cs.umd.edu (Kevin Hsu) Newsgroup: comp.os.os2.advocacy I'm am TELLING you folks. MICROSOFT IS BEHIND THIS QUAKE. MICROSOFT and JIMMY HOFFA CONSPIRED TO START THIS DESTRUCTION. Together, they, with Jesus and Elvis, disturbed the fault line. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: shimpei@leland.Stanford.EDU (Shimpei Yamashita) Newsgroup: comp.sys.mac.advocacy Interesting. While you're at it, which computer does God like? Mac? PC? Amiga? Is the dominance of MS-DOS another evidence of God withdrawing protection from the world? Did He use computers to create the world? If so, when will He start selling us this machine, cheap? Can we communicate with God on the Internet? What about through the IR port of the Newton? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: ggawboy@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Galen F Gawboy) Newsgroup: comp.unix.advocacy Come on, Windows NT may be made by MS, but that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SPORTS GROUPS IN RESPONSE TO "JESUS IS COMING SOON" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mwelch@pyrps5.eng.pyramid.com (Michael M. Welch) Newsgroup: rec.sport.baseball In article <2hf86q$jbl@orion.cc.andrews.edu>, Clarence L. Thomas IV wrote: >The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the seemingly >unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating fires in Australia, >the flood in the Midwest of the United States of America, the devastating >fires >near Los Angeles, California, the rapid and appalling increase in violence in >cities, towns, villages all over the world, the famines, the diseases, the >rapid >decline of the family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) >are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. Get back to me when the Cubs win the pennant. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mullhaup@mathlab.sunysb.edu (Susan Mullhaupt) Newsgroup: rec.sport.fencing silbrmnd@acf4.nyu.edu (The Dark Mage) writes: >Yes, but can [Jesus] fence? ;) He's got equipment (Matt 10:34). He fences with it (Romans 13:4). He directs (Matt 26:52, John 18:11). He endorses equipment (Luke 22:36, Ephesians 6:17). He advocates point-attack weapons (Hebrews 4:12, Hebrews 11:34). So he is probably either an epeeist or foilist, and probably a pro, (endorsements). There is some evidence that he is learning sabre, (Rev. 2:12), but, perhaps due to some injury, or exciting new theory, he uses an unorthodox grip (Rev. 1:16, 2:16, 19:15) and there have been some unfortunate accidents (Rev. 19:21). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: alan@hicomb.hi.com (Alan Greenspan) Newsgroup: rec.sport.golf > ... > are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. The human race > has trampled on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17 (King James > Version Bible), and Jesus is coming to set things right. These rapidly > accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is coming soon (Matthew 24). Fore (Alan 36)!!!! > God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the earth > and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's power. All > those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing eternal > life. Eternal life, I'm not so concerned about? But what about my short game? Its often been my saviour. Am I going to lose my short game? Say it isn't so. > If you want to know what's about to happen, please study the books of Daniel > and Revelation which are located in God's Word, the Bible. They are not > sealed or closed books. They can and must be understood by all. Every word > in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation is true. The Bible and the Bible only > must be your guide. Well, maybe, but you really should give Hogan's book a peek now and then. It really covers the fundamentals the best. > When God's Law (the Constitution for the Universe) is consistently ignored, > disregarded, changed, and questioned, He permits certain events to occur to > wake us up. I would urge all, wherever you are and regardless of the > circumstances, to directly call on Jesus and ask Him to intervene in your > life. I don't know. I've had some really bad rounds you know and I've tried just what you say. Like all the time I'll be saying "Jesus Christ, get up, stay left ... " and usually the ball lands in the lake anyway. > Jesus who created this planet and every living creature in it and on it, > died on the cross, was raised from the dead by God the Father, and is now in > Heaven interceding for you. Jesus is the only One who can rescue us from the > slavery, misery, and death Satan is causing us. I've tried everything worldly to get rid of the shanks and nothing has worked. You're probably right. > For reference I'm including God's Constitution as given in the King James > Version Bible. Please note that when God says the seventh day, he means > Sabbath (the 7th day of the week) not Sunday (1st day of the week). Does it really matter? Sunday? Saturday? I say if the weather's nice, play. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kayleigh@access.digex.net (Steve Gallichio) Newsgroup: rec.sport.hockey >[munch] are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. I would have thought that the Ducks' uniforms were proof enough of this. >The human race has trampled on God's Constitution, What's the penalty call for this? Roughing? Interference on an eternal being? I'd love to see the hand signal for that one. >those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing eternal life. Isn't that why the Pens got McSorley? >If you want to know what's about to happen, please study the books of Daniel >and Revelation which are located in God's Word, the Bible. Nah, just listen to Maynard. >The Bible and the Bible only must be your guide. Not bad, but I prefer the Hockey News. >When God's Law (the Constitution for the Universe) is consistently ignored, >disregarded, changed, and questioned, He permits certain events to occur to >wake us up. Sounds like the last five minutes of a tie game. I guess that would explain some of Koharski's penalty calls. Nothing else can. >Jesus is the only One who can rescue us from the slavery, misery, and death >Satan is causing us. Hmm...I guess I've been reading this group too long; I thought it was Gilmour. >Commandment #1: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Often referred to as "The Bobby Orr Commandment" >Commandment #2: Never get involved in a land war in Asia. >Commandment #3: Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; That's a sure-fire ten minute misconduct. >Commandment #4: Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But in the > seventh day thou shalt not do any work, Does He have any regulations about a day miracle following a night miracle? >Commandment #5: Never engage in a battle of wits with a Sicilian > when death is on the line. > >Commandment #6: Thou shalt not kill. Definitely one of the most un-evenly called commandments in the game. >Commandment #7: Thou shalt not commit adultery. Uh-oh. >Commandment #8: Thou shalt not play the puck. >Commandment #9: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. The "diving" commandment. You just don't see this one called much anymore. >Commandment #10: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's offensive defenseman. Wasn't there originally something in there about drop passes at the blue line and clearing passes through the slot? Must have been on the tablet that Moses dropped... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: slawe@mb5000.anes.upmc.edu (Lauren Slawe) Newsgroup: rec.sport.rowing I know what it means. Beware all ye faithless straight boat rowers. Coxswains are omnipotent and omniscient. Repent now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: johnson@netcom.com (Alex Johnson) Newsgroup: rec.sport.soccer Jesus may be coming back, but unless he can dribble past Rijkaard and put the ball into the far right corner, I want him off this group. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: donh@gcx1.ssd.csd.harris.com (Don Holzworth) Newsgroup: rec.sport.table-tennis In article , ckuan@fraser.sfu.ca (Min Kuan) writes: |> Does this have anything to do with table-tennis? [The Bible] does say, "Joseph served in the court of the Pharoh...", although I don't know if this was table tennis or tennis. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- LEISURE GROUPS IN RESPONSE TO "JESUS IS COMING SOON" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: DOGGLEBEE@delphi.com Newsgroup: rec.arts.tv Gee, it must be armageddon. Earthquakes. Floods. Fires. It's not as if we've had those for millions of years. If Jesus does show up, it better not be during the superbowl. He'll piss a lot of people off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: mwelch@pyrps5.eng.pyramid.com (Michael M. Welch) Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek Clarence L. Thomas IV wrote: >The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the seemingly >unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating fires in Australia, >the flood in the Midwest of the United States of America, the devastating >fires >near Los Angeles, California, the rapid and appalling increase in violence in >cities, towns, villages all over the world, the famines, the diseases, the >rapid >decline of the family unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) >are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. Don't worry. We have documented evidence that we're gonna make it at least to the year 2370. Personally, I won't get worried until Deanna Troi uses her Betazoid insight to inform the captain of something other than the completely obvious. Then, ye shall know the end is nigh. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: pls9235@ultb.isc.rit.edu (P.L. Steppic ) Newsgroup: rec.photo In article dan@netcom.com (the Real Dan) writes: >So say you wanted to catch this on film. > >Do major deities manifest themselves with actual, physical light? Or >is it a purely spiritual thing? Would I be wasting my time attempting >to calculate a good exposure? Not at all. I'd suggest using a 35mm camera, since you're probably going to want to make a lot of exposures in a relatively short amount of time. No large format cameras for this type of job. Meter off of the brightest areas where you're going to want to maintain detail, and set your camera to give two stops more exposure than the meter indicates. This technique also works for snow. Bracket your exposures; I'd recommend a graduated neutral density filter, since you're probably going to have to shoot a very bright area and still try to maintain detail in the ecstatic faces surrounding him. (excuse me; HIM). Use a slower film. Make sure you have your film processed in a good custom lab; in fact, you might even be able to cut a deal with the marketing types of that lab, where you get a discount in exchange for the use of some of your frames (Al's custom photo lab: where He has His film processed). Also make sure you get a model release form, available at most professional photo supply stores. I don't think that you'd have any legal problems, since I rather doubt that there are any lawyers in heaven, ;-) but you don't want any civil suits pending when Judgement Day rolls around. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: shoham@ll.mit.edu (Daniel Shoham) Newsgroup: rec.games.diplomacy Since it would be totally unthinkable that a god-fearing poster like Clarence Thomas would post to Rec.Games.Diplomacy something that has nothing to do with Diplomacy, I have strained to understand the subtle signficance of his wisdom in the context of game. Here is what I have concluded. >The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the seemingly >unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating fires in Australia, >the flood in the Midwest of the United States of America, the devastating > fires >near Los Angeles, California, the rapid and appalling increase in violence in Worst, I was eliminated from two games in the same week. Clearly there is something terribly wrong going on here. >Commandment #1: Exodus 20:1-3 (KJV) And God > spake all these words, saying, I am > the LORD thy God, which have brought > thee out of the land of Egypt, out > of the house of bondage. Yes, that was in a Youngstown game. I was Turkey. My last unit was in Egypt. Only total obediance to the Indian player kept him from destroying me. Then, a miracle. I was dislodged to the Eastern Med, and had a clear path to retake Smyrna. A few more turns and I had my entire homeland liberated. I won in 1918 (BC). >Commandment #4: Exodus 20:8-11 (KJV) Remember the sabbath > day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou > labour, and do all thy work: But the > seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD > thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work Of course, if a game is set to seven-days warp, this commandment is waived. >Commandment #5: Exodus 20:12 (KJV) Honour thy father and thy > mother: that thy days may be long upon the > land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. In particular, if you can be the balance of power between them. It has been observed that those who play this way survive longer. >Commandment #6: Exodus 20:13 (KJV) Thou shalt not kill. Unless you need thou's last supply center. >Commandment #7: Exodus 20:14 (KJV) Thou shalt not commit adultery. You may still f**k over both yours and anyone else's partner. >Commandment #8: Exodus 20:15 (KJV) Thou shalt not steal. Stealing is not allowed. If you take your ally's supply center[s] without permission, it will be considered a stab, not a steal. >Commandment #9: Exodus 20:16 (KJV) Thou shalt not bear > false witness against thy neighbour. Lying in your press is exempted, of course. >Commandment #10: Exodus 20:17 (KJV) Thou shalt not covet > thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not > covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his > manservant, nor his maidservant, nor > his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that > is thy neighbour's. Except his centers. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: ben@vgdata.demon.co.uk (Ben Last) Newsgroup: rec.arts.sf.movies >God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the earth >and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's power. All >those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing eternal life. Is Arnie starring in this? Where can I rent it? :-) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000" MIGHT SAY ABOUT "JESUS IS COMING SOON" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: David G White Newsgroup: alt.tv.mst3k Crow: [wanders in to find the button flashing] Hey Mike! Steve and Edie are calling! Mike: [runs in wearing only a towel] What? So soon? Stall while I change! [Cut to Deep 13] Dr. F:Oh, hello, you disgusting little robot. Is the real person there? I'd like to talk to him. [Back to the S.O.L.] Crow: Um...he's darning his socks. That's it! Darning his socks! Tom: [wandering in] Really? How come I just saw him running past the load pan bay naked as a jaybird? Crow: Shut up! Shut up! Mike: [running in fully dressed] Okay, I'm here! I'm here! Crow: Mike! How nice to see you again. How are the socks? Tom: What socks? Mike: Crow, have you been lying to the Mads again? [Back to Deep 13] Dr. F:Oh, Nelson, you're there. I thought you were darning your socks. No matter. Hate to send you something like this twice in one day, but carpe diem! Frank:Seize the day! That's what all the optimists say! Dr. F:Er, right. Well, anyhow, we've got this bad little ditty called "Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon." It's a little piece of mixed theology and just plain old gloom and doom prophecy. Send it up, Frank. Frank:I thought that was their job. Dr. F:Push the button, you moron! Frank:Oh, why didn't you say so? [presses the button] [The S.O.L. again] Mike: Ah! We've got apocalypse sign! G...6...5...4...3...2...1 > Clarence L. Thomas IV writes: > The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the > seemingly unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating > fires in Australia, Mike: The popularity of "SeaQuest: DSV." > the flood in the Midwest of the United States of > America, the devastating fires near Los Angeles, California, Crow: The death of River Phoenix. > the rapid > and appalling increase in violence in cities, towns, villages all over > the world, the famines, the diseases, Tom: The Cable Ace Awards. > the rapid decline of the family > unit, and the destructive earthquake in India (in 1993) Mike: I see, so destructive earthquakes everywhere else don't count? > are signs that > this world's history is coming to a climax. Crow: Well, it looks like she likes it rough. Heh heh. Mike: Crow! > The human race has trampled > on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17 (King James Version > Bible), Tom: Remember to use the King James Version. All other versions are PER-versions! > and Jesus is coming to set things right. These rapidly > accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is coming soon (Matthew > 24). Crow: [Singing] Jesus is coming, the goose is getting fat. Please to put a penny in the old man's hat... Mike: Hey! Cut that out! It's sacreligious! > God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the earth > and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's power. Crow: Mike, I'm a little fuzzy on this whole Holy Trinity thing. How does it work? Mike: Well, imagine a triangle... Tom: Really? I've always thought of it as more of a Venn Diagram... Mike: You too, hunh? Interesting... > All those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing > eternal life. Tom: And when you can't be guarded by Jesus, It's nice to know that you've got a helping hand at Allstate insurance. > If you want to know what's about to happen, please study the books of > Daniel and Revelation which are located in God's Word, the Bible. Mike: Or, alternitavely, you could order the Apocalypse Triplecast from your local cable operator. > They > are not sealed or closed books. They can and must be understood by all. Crow: And misinterpreted by many. > Every word in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation is true. Tom: Except for the bits they had to cut out. Crow: Oh, like the fourth book of Maccabees? Mike: How do you guys know about this stuff? > The Bible > and the Bible only must be your guide. Mike: Now in this convenient edition, with the words "Don't Panic" reassuringly printed on the cover. > When God's Law (the Constitution for the Universe) is consistently > ignored, disregarded, changed, and questioned, He permits certain events > to occur to wake us up. Tom: Well, then, he shouldn't have made any provisions for amendments in the constitution if he gets so upset. Picky, picky! > I would urge all, wherever you are and regardless > of the circumstances, to directly call on Jesus and ask Him to intervene > in your life. Mike: Operator? Information. Get me Jesus on the line! > Jesus who created this planet and every living creature in > it and on it, died on the cross, was raised from the dead by God the > Father, All: Seen it. > and is now in Heaven interceding for you. Jesus is the only One Crow: And all I ever needed was the One... Mike: One singular sensation... Tom: One is the loneliest number that you'll ever see... > who can rescue us from the slavery, misery, and death Satan is causing > us. Mike: Nah. Sounds more like a job for Superman. > For reference I'm including God's Constitution as given in the King > James Version Bible. Please note that when God says the seventh day, he > means Sabbath Tom: Oh, Black Sabbath? > (the 7th day of the week) not Sunday (1st day of the > week). > > Commandment #1: Exodus 20:1-3 (KJV) And God Mike: Oh, here I thought he was onto something new. He's just reciting the Ten Commandments! I know these already! Crow: Really? What are they? Mike: Um, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox until you have walked a mile in his moccassins...I forget. > spake all these words, saying, I am > the LORD thy God, which have brought > thee out of the land of Egypt, out > of the house of bondage. Crow: Hmmm. Kinky! Tom: I wonder if it's anything like the House of Sin? > Thou shalt have > no other gods before me. Tom: But I might just allow a few gods after me. > Commandment #2: Exodus 20:4-6 (KJV) Thou shalt not make > unto thee any graven image, or any > likeness of any thing that is in heaven > above, or that is in the earth beneath, > or that is in the water under the earth. Mike: Gee, I guess God isn't too keen on sculpture. Crow: No kidding! > And shewing mercy unto thousands of them > that love me, and keep my commandments. > > Commandment #3: Exodus 20:7 (KJV) Thou shalt not take > the name of the LORD thy God in vain; > for the LORD will not hold him > guiltless that taketh his name in vain. Crow: I wonder if it was okay to say "Jesus H. Christ" before 0 A.D.? Mike: Sure, but what would you want to say it for? Crow: Good point. > Commandment #4: Exodus 20:8-11 (KJV) Remember the sabbath > day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou > labour, and do all thy work: Mike: No way! If I work six days you're gonna pay me overtime, all- powerful supreme being or not! > But the > seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD > thy God: in it thou shalt not do any > work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, > thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor > thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is > within thy gates: Tom: Okay! We get the idea! > For in six days the > LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and > all that in them is, and rested the seventh > day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath > day, and hallowed it. > > Commandment #5: Exodus 20:12 (KJV) Honour thy father and thy > mother: Crow: But if you've divorced them, skip this opne. > that thy days may be long upon the > land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. > > Commandment #6: Exodus 20:13 (KJV) Thou shalt not kill. Mike: Except when I tell you to. > Commandment #7: Exodus 20:14 (KJV) Thou shalt not commit > adultery. Crow: Unless you happen to be King of Israel, in which case it's O.K. > Commandment #8: Exodus 20:15 (KJV) Thou shalt not steal. > > Commandment #9: Exodus 20:16 (KJV) Thou shalt not bear > false witness against thy neighbour. > > Commandment #10: Exodus 20:17 (KJV) Thou shalt not covet > thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not > covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his > manservant, nor his maidservant, nor > his ox, nor his ass, Crow: Whoah! Mike: He means his donkey, you moron! > nor any thing that > is thy neighbour's. Mike: You know, this King James guy really had a thing for wives and manservants and maidservants and cattle... > I also recommend that the following books be obtained and closely > studied: Tom: And now a list of God's favorite books. > The Great Controversy > By Ellen G. White > Review and Herald Publishing Association > Hagerstown, MD 21740 Crow: The controversy being whether or not to burn the book or just not buy it. > The Desire of the Ages > By Ellen G. White > Review and Herald Publishing Association > Hagerstown, MD 21740 > > Patriarchs and Prophets > By Ellen G. White > Review and Hearld Publishing Association > Hagerstown, MD 21740 Mike: You know, God really likes this Ellen G. White... > Daniel and the Revelation > By Uriah Smith > Review and Herald Publishing Association > Hagerstown, MD 21740 > ------- > Clarence L. Thomas IV > Phone: 616-471-6116 > E-mail: thomas@redwood.cc.andrews.edu Tom: Well, there's one guy who'll have more than a couple messages on his machine in the morning! Mike: Come on, let's get out of here. 1...2...3...4...5...6...G [The interior of the S.O.L.] Mike: Wow, that was eye-opening. Crow: I'll say! Tom: You know, I never believed that anyone would take the Bible so literally! Mike: Well, there are parts of the Bible that should be taken literally, like the ten commandments, and other parts that should be analyzed symbolically, like the book of Revelations. Crow: Yeah, and where in the Bible does it say that Ellen G. White is God's favorite author? Mike: I think you're missing the point, Crow... Tom: Well, how should I take the part about the golden hemmorhoids? Mike: Where's that? Tom: 2 Samuel 5 I think... Mike: Let me see... Crow: Well, at least I can live in comfort knowing that no-one will ever believe this crackpot! [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank poke their heads above a huge pile of sandbags] Dr. F:Well, it's like I always say, when you know the Apocalypse is coming you have no excuse for being ill-prepared. Did you bring everything Frank? Frank:Sure. Canned foods...check. Oxygen recycler...check. Geiger counter ...check. We've got this Apocalypse thing nailed! Dr. F:Come on, let's go lock ourselves in the blast shelter. Until next time, Boobie! [Roll Credits] Frank:[voice-over] Oh, wait. I think I forgot the can opener...