On Thu, 1 Apr 1999, Alex wrote:
> It has come down through the wire this morning that CircleMUD Development
> has ceased, and will no longer be available to the public as of noon PST
> today. Jeremy Elson, the creator and chief-developer of CircleMUD stated
> late last night at a press conference held at the Johns Hopkins University
> Press Center that he was "proud of this beast that we've created and
> unleashed on the world", but that he was "disappointed with the general
> state of the CircleMUD community and their lack of belief in Lenin."
To make matters even more bizarre, since the announcement of the capture
of three US soldiers in Kosovo calls have been pouring in throughout the
world. Though badly scraped and bruised, many people recognized Jeremy,
George, and Alex, military outfits or otherwise. A stunned Daniel Koepke,
when contacted in his Silicon Valley home, could only offer up, "Isn't
Alex Canadian?" And so an even more devious conspiracy is unvieled.
Alex Fletcher, owner of the CircleMUD mailing list, has been revealed as
an undercover CIA agent inspecting the possibility of a Canadian attack.
Footage, recently obtained and released by Hard Copy, clearly shows a very
much American Fletcher practicing his, "ehs," while cramming back bacon
down his throat. The tape further revealed the horrible consequences of
calling the military-trained agent by just his last name. There is no
doubt from the tape, parts of which were too graphic to televise, that
Alex Fletcher is a lethal weapon. A military analyst who wished to remain
anonymous commented, "It's quite clear how much training went into this
young man. He was probably bred from the very start to be a killing
machine." The analyst would later add to support his hypothesis, "As much
success as the US military has had training and breaking down the will to
resist of twenty-something recruits, they have never been able to get
someone to kill using back bacon without mercy. Thus, I have to believe
that the training started much earlier. Probably from birth." In
addition, the tape revealed Fletcher's real name to be the much more
American and preppy, Chad.
Agent Chad's preliminary reports, obtained from a reliable source working
within the Pentagon, indicate that the Canadians once did have plans in
the works to conquer the United States, but abandoned them early on. A
Canadian official, who at first denied the allegations, began to spill the
beans when pressed. He admitted that military actions were considered,
but quickly dismissed for a multitude of reasons. "First," the Canadian
source began, "we found that many of our soldiers, probably because of
close French heritage, surrendered to even the combat simulators, eh. In
addition, the lack of year-around ice in the United States short-circuited
any plans to use our elite ice-skating fighting force, eh." Also brought
up was that 99% of Americans didn't even know Canada exists, let alone
sitting right atop of them. The official added, "We also have to admit to
some superstitious fears, eh. Although Canadian scientists have expressed
their doubt over the existence of such a phenomenon, old folk tales about
these mystical things called 'sun' and 'heat' played a significant role in
our conclusion, eh."
Rumors are also surfacing that Chad "Alex" Fletcher, once headed the
dreaded group of creationist-zealots known only as the CAW. The IRA once
expressed their fear over a potential CAW attack, saying only that until
they could find their lucky charms, they wouldn't dare do anything that
might be construed as an offense on the CAW. The blarney stone, a magical
stone residing in Ireland known for its yellow tint, was even put into
hiding during times of CAW-induced paranoia. A reported member of the
CAW, who threatened to build a quality two-hundred room area (thus making
all other areas on the Associated Press MUD look bad) if we revealed his
name, said, "Don't worry about the whole Kosovo thing. Our counter-attack
has already begun. By noon tomorrow, the hostages will be back home safe,
the Serbians will be rescued from oppression and genocide, the Spice Girls
will have completely disbanded, there will be a decent option for the year
2000 US presidential elections, the Y2K bug will be fixed, and Kosovo will
be hastily removed from maps and replaced with, 'Fletcher Crater.'"
Meanwhile, Joshua E. Weinstein, author of the book "Unlocking the
Prophecies Hidden in the Works of Chaucer," has finished up a manuscript
for a book he says he's been working on a for a very long time. The
official press-release from Circumlocutive Flaucaucinhilipilification
Publishing, Inc. states that, "Mr. Weinstein, through purely scientific
methods, has found, hidden within the code of CircleMUD, prophecies
rivaling those found within the Hebrew text of the Bible in such books as,
'The Bible Code.'" Initial reviews attributed to the New York Times in
the release say, "Mr. Weinstein is a ... genius ... with ... unparalleled
... brain power. Through years of intense ... research he has ...
uncovered ... accurate prophecies ... going back several centuries." (*)
(*) Curious about the abundance of elipsis, I obtained the original review
which, needless to say, gives a different impression of the book.
"Mr. Weinstein is a complete idiot. He is anything but the genius he
claims to be. His lack of wisdom is only shadowed with the
realization that his idiocy is unparalleled, he lacks any sort of
real brain power. Through years of intense procrastation and
unscientific hand-waving, he came up with a purely commercial and
fictional book masquerading under the pretense of science. With
his undoubtedly faked research he has only uncovered to the world
his stupidity. I can get more accuarte prophecies at a fair.
Mr. Weinstein is nothing but a crook and scam artist, and a bad one
at that. That anyone would believe this crock of sh!t makes me
wish for more sensible times. Vampires are more likely. People
would scoff at this no matter what time period, even going back
several centuries."
-dak : About to get mobbed by French-Canadians...
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